Adele Jameson

We all have dreams but sometimes the things that we wish to gain in our dreams are the things which we first need to lose completely.

 

What do I mean? Let me give an example.

 

A woman finds she is spending so much time at work and has not the time for her children.  On top of this, her work leaves her so tired that all she wants to do when she comes home is to relax.  She has no energy to spend quality time with them and is often too exhausted to even read them a bed-time story.  She knows that she can make just as much money (if not more) if she opens her own business.  Opening her own business will allow her to work when she chooses and the rest of her time she can spend with her children.

 

Of course, opening your own business doesn’t immediately mean your time is your own – in fact being a business owner usually means putting in many hours over many years. So, initially, this will mean the woman spends even less time with her children.  She won’t only be too tired to read them a bed-time story, she won’t even be there! With her business taking all her time, she won’t even get home until after the children have gone to bed.

 

After a few years of much work – and if all goes well – she will be earning the same money as before but with less hours and, thus, the chance to be with her children.

 

The Risk and the Trade-Off

 

In this scenario – and most others – there is a risk and there is a trade off! We have to give something up to get to what we really want and we have to risk what we have now in order to gain more.  More often than not, that which we have to risk and that which we have to give up completely is the very same thing; the very reason we do anything in the first place!

 

Often though, we don’t want to risk and we don’t want to give anything up.  We don’t want it to be this way. Our dreams are of becoming rich overnight with very little work, even less risk, and no trade off.  We want to have it all, right here, right now!

 

Is that laziness or greed? I don’t think so.  I think the culprit is more likely to be fear. We are frightened that we will completely lose the thing we are risking, or that by giving it up we will never get back even the little that we had!

 

Our fantasies are the end result and we want to be there without making the journey to get there because we are afraid of suffering, loss and of failure. And, sometimes, we are afraid that our dream won’t actually be the way we dream it to be.

 

So we are stuck at where we are, scared of making the journey.

 

However, it isn’t as hopeless as it may seem.

 

Our Fantastic Fantasies

 

If we look at our fantasies and the tales which capture our imagination throughout time, we will see that in some of the most well-know stories we really get swept along with the plot; actually believing ourselves to be the hero.

 

It is the story and the adventure that really grabs us and not the ending (although that should be good too!).

 

Story-lines almost always follow standard plots, usually with a quest to be overcome. A typical plot line has been dubbed ‘The Hero’s Journey’.  Jason and the Argonauts and Lord of the Rings are just two classic examples.  If we rely on our inner selves, the part of us we see when we read our favourite fantasies, we can see who we really are.  Who we really want ourselves to become.

 

Our fantasies are fantastic at showing us the way/

 

The Hero’s Journey

 

Let’s look at the stages of The Hero’s Journey and contrast them to our business woman and ultimately to us!

 

1)      The hero is uncomfortable about something which causes them or those they love considerable stress – she doesn’t spend time with her children.

 

2)      Something shakes up this feeling – possible the sadness in her children’s eyes when she says “Mummy’s too tired to read tonight” or the fact that she is undervalued at work – or both!

 

3)      The hero refuses the call – the woman is scared of leaving her job and the time it will take away from her children.

 

And that’s where most of us end it! This is our ‘stuck’ stage.  Doesn’t make much of a story does it?  Can’t see this capturing people’s imagination or making a hero out of anyone!

 

So what would happen if we carried on…

 

4)      The hero meets with a Mentor – Let’s assume the woman is invited to a party and has a chance meeting with Bob Geldof.  He tells her all about the obstacles to achieving Band Aid and how he overcame them.  The woman now feels that her business idea is a much less difficult task.

 

5)      The hero searches for inner courage…  and finds it – our woman begins her business.

 

It’s looking better already isn’t it?

 

What next?

 

6)      The hero meets allies and enemies – the woman finds that some of her old friends find her a threat and, thus, she loses old friendships.  However, marketing her business takes her into new arenas where she meets new friends.

 

7)      The hero and friends prepare for the major challenge – someone in the woman’s new network of allies give her an unexpected introduction to a major new client.

 

8)      The hero faces their worst fears – to be able to deal with the new client means that the woman will need to travel more and so be away from home and rarely see her children.  She agonises over this but has come too far now and accepts the client anyway.

 

9)      The hero gains their reward – the woman travels to and from the client and makes a lot of money.  She moves the children to a better home and a better school – but still doesn’t see them.

 

10)  The chase scene – the client wants the woman to catch a plane in order to complete an important deal the same day as her son receives an award.  The woman tries to do both.  She runs from one thing to another but if she is going to make the plane she will miss the award ceremony.  The taxi is at the door waiting to take her to the airport…

 

11)   The resurrection – the woman decides her children are the most important thing.  She tells the driver to take her to the ceremony and not the airport.  She loses the deal but remains a hero in her children’s eyes.

 

12)   The return home with the prize – in deciding to remain small the woman re-focuses her business and creates a niche.  This niche means she now has a steady stream of smaller clients all close to home.  The closeness to home creates her a long-term sustainable client-base that brings in enough money to keep them all happy, but gives her plenty of time to spend with her children… and her grandchildren..

 

She then writes a blog on the story which gains her lots of readers and let’s her help thousands of people – no, wait a minute, that’s my fantasy!!

 

I’m sure you’ll agree that is a much better story.  And, as you can see, it’s much more fun.  The struggle IS the winning and the winning is the journey and not just the end result.

 

I’ve just told you my dream.  I want to keep my blog up to date and to have a lot of people subscribe to it.  For that I have to give up my time and, most importantly, I cannot be afraid to give away secrets about my inner-self; the person I really am.

 

I’m ready for my journey. Are you ready for yours?

 

What are you willing to risk?  What will you give up in order to be a hero to yourself?

 

Leave me a comment to let me know.

It’s been said that we have two ears and only one mouth so we should listen to others twice as much as we talk to others. However, I believe we should first listen to ourselves.

We cannot really listen to others if we haven’t initially listened to what is being said inside our own minds and bodies.  If we haven’t heard and understood ourselves that little voice will go on and on and interrupt when others are speaking – and we can’t listen to them and ourselves at same time! Find someone who is not listening to you (yes, there are many of them!) and you have identified a person who hasn’t listened to themselves.

Why should we listen to ourselves anyway?

Becoming self-aware by listening to what we are really thinking and feeling allows us to take control of those ‘I’m never going to be able to…’ or ‘I can’t do that’ messages that go on inside our heads, which, at best, create procrastination and, at worse, destroy dreams. New research from the University of Toronto (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/09/100921110956.htm) shows that listening to your inner voice plays a role in controlling yourself and helps prevent making impulse decisions.

Of course, it isn’t enough to listen; it is more to do with understanding yourself – understanding your real needs and wants and getting yourself into a place where you can experience them.  For some, that might be easier said than done. Many of us don’t know what we are saying, and even if we do, are unable to work out what it really means.

How can we work out what we are saying?

Meditation is considered to be a good way to really connect with your deeper feelings but it’s not everybody’s cup of tea, so I’ve looked into some other methods:

1.   Paying attention to what tune you are humming -

If you are the type of person who pays attention to the lyrics of songs, finding you are humming a song might mean that a statement in the lyrics (or even the whole meaning) is what you are really feeling in your own life.  You may think you’re humming that tune because you’ve heard it on the radio that day but, chances are, you heard many tunes yet it is only that one you are humming. Listen to what the lyrics might be saying to you and how that relates to you and your feelings.

2.   A story on the news –

Look at the deeper meaning in any story that you hear which plays on your mind.  For example, it could be that there was a house fire due to someone carelessness.  If you find you are thinking about this story ask yourself if there something you are being careless about.  Should you be taking better care of your health or elderly family member?

3.   Writing down your thoughts –

Keep a thought diary.  Write down your thoughts every day and then, after a while, read back over what you have written.  Look for patterns in your writing.  Are there any words you use a lot? What do they mean to you? What is it you are really saying – read in-between the lines.

4.   Say ‘It’s like…’ –

If none of the other methods work for you try this: give an example of your situation but use a more basic concept starting with ‘It’s like…’.

For example, a person works for a firm they like, doing work they enjoy. They then apply for promotion.  When they are offered the promotion however, they don’t want to take it.  Many people might think the reason they no longer want the promotion is because they’ve realised that they’re happy where they are and don’t really want the added responsibility etc. Yet if this was so, why did they apply for promotion in the first place?  Using the ‘It’s like…’ method they might say, ‘It’s like… I’m a kid who is happy at school and really enjoying myself but I don’t want to stay on another year and study.  Although this would be great, I would rather now go out and find a job.  I feel I’ve outgrown school.’

In this example the person – although happy with the company –feels they need more of a challenge and what they are really saying to themselves is, I need to move on altogether.

We already know what is good for us.  We already know what we should do.  We’re just not that good at listening to ourselves.  If you’re still unconvinced I would challenge you and say that what is actually happening is you have your hands over your ears and are ‘la la la-ing’ at the top of your voice.  Perhaps you are scared?  Perhaps you have a limiting belief that says you can’t do the thing you’re telling yourself is right for you.  For me it was going to the dentist.  I hadn’t been for years because I believed it would be too expensive and I would be embarrassed when I wouldn’t be able to carry on the treatment due to lack of funds.  I went along one day and found out this wasn’t so!

So, what are you saying to yourself? What story are you thinking about?  What song from the radio are you humming?

Why me? Why don’t I ever earn enough? Why does it always have to be like this?

Ever found yourself asking these questions?

Since childhood we have asked a lot of these ‘why’ questions; Why do I have to go to bed now? Why must I clean my room? Why is the sea blue? Why did grandma die?

You might say that some of these questions don’t have an answer. Truth is they probably do, but we either a) just don’t know what the answer is yet or, b) looking for the answer means delving deep inside ourselves and, well, that’s uncomfortable.

If our question is scientific then our reasoning usually follows along the ‘a)’ type. If it’s a personal question – yeah, you guessed it – it’s a ‘b)’ type.

The strange thing though is that when we ask ourselves an ‘a)’ type question then this will often set us off on a voyage of discovery – even if it’s just a Google search! However, when we ask ourselves a ‘b)’ type we often go on a destructive path of self-pity with answers to ourselves such as ‘cause you’re not clever/attractive/wealthy enough’!

Why do we do that?

I’m no psychoanalyst but I’m prepared to bet it’s because we don’t want to look any deeper and so a nice dollop of self-blame gets us off the hook from taking a journey into ourselves. I mean we don’t ask the ‘a)’ type questions and come up with a lot of self-blame, do we?

Which road do you want to be on?

I would suggest the next time you find yourself asking ‘Why didn’t I get that promotion/job/girl’ etc., take a quick step back to see which route you’re on. Is it the path of self-pity? If it is, then, just this time, you know, just for the fun of it, try out the journey of discovery – you never know, you just might find yourself an answer!

What ‘why’ questions do you find yourself asking? And what discoveries have you made?

 

Do you want to be happy? Yes? Then think of seven good things that happened to you yesterday.

These can be the great things like the beauty of nature, or just the teeny little things that made you smile. When you think of these things and let your gratitude for them generate inside you, you will not be able to be miserable.

How does it work? Well your mind can only think of one thing at a time so whilst you are thinking of happy things you cannot be thinking of the unpleasant. Plus, whilst your brain is getting a ‘high’ from its happy system it is in fact inhibiting the structures that create sad feelings.

Is finding seven things too difficult? It should be easy to do but if you are having trouble just ponder this for a moment. All things in this world are here just for you. No one can have the same experiences at the same time and place that you do. Even standing next to you, a person will still see from a different perspective. Your experience is yours – and yours alone!

My seven?

1)      Watching a blackbird and hearing it sing

2)      Being in the position to help a business associate secure three clients

3)      Finding out about the human brain and realising just how wonderful it is

4)      Appreciating the  brilliance of  social media for connecting me with people I would otherwise never meet

5)      Listening to my colleague’s laughter and watching how her jovial attitude diffuses many uncomfortable situations

6)      Tasting the sweet ripeness of a pear

7)      Understanding that even while my friend was reproaching me, he was actually saying, ‘I love you’.

Have you thought of yours yet? What are they? Leave a message telling me about them. Go on,

1) ….